Facing Myself: Reflection Lake and Mirrors to Reality

While walking back to my car today after class, I decided to make a quick stop at reflection lake at the back of campus. The warmth of the sun was perfectly tempered by a soft breeze as I veered off toward a short concrete bench in front of the water. I set everything aside - my books, purse, anxieties, plans, and my sandals so that I could dip my feet into the crisp, cold wetness. I spied the geese as they propelled themselves along the lake's surface, butts lifted and heads bobbing into the water to wet their beaks. I started to play around, splashing my feet in water that seemed to me surprisingly clear. The day was so beautiful that I couldn't help looking all around me, staring at the sky and back to the road where cars drove by, speeding somewhere. I looked back down and noticed that my feet were stirring up all the dirt and debris at the water's edge into the once clear lake, turning it a cloudy, swirly light brown. And so I splashed more, because I liked this mess I was making.

At a distance, the lake lived up to its name - it was a luminous reflection, pure and calm. But as I approached it, peered closer at its makeup, and became acquainted with it, I discovered that there was an entirely other world beneath the sparkling exterior. There were rocks and dirt and tiny creatures swimming within. And when I interrupted my illusion, I found the grimy, muddy result to be far more interesting than before I had decided to involve myself in the business of the lake. But again, standing back from the lake, distracted by about a thousand other stimuli, a fleeting glance only tells half the story. Not even that much, really.

I recently (today) finished watching the documentary "Manufacturing Consent," based on the eponymous book written by Noam Chomsky and Edward Herman. It analyzes the mass media, showing it to be a mechanism of political and social control over populations in a state. Chomsky's bold claims, a fat pill to swallow, seems a welcome remedy for those lost in the malaise of a complacent existence while an onslaught of brash falsities for those who would rather cling to naive adherence to the subtle tyranny of the corporate world. He lives not as the majority would choose to, occasionally (if ever) looking down at the world, but constantly immersing himself, muddying topics and supposed truths. Once the illusion is dirtied, it becomes more and more difficult to assess, yet the imperative is not to cease the interruption but to keep causing waves. Life is no life at all if it does not contain action.

And so, I'm not afraid to get a little dirty.

Because in the end, as Noam says, "It's mainly a matter of whether you can look yourself in the mirror, I think."

Quarter-Life Crisis: A Reconfiguration

There's something about being 23. Something that is inherently awkward, like getting your first period or having to shave those first patches of pubescent facial hair. Blink 182 puts it - "Nobody likes you when you're 23." But I think Incubus captures it best, at least for me - "A decade ago, I never thought I would be, at 23, on the verge of spontaneous combustion - woe is me." When I was 13, a bad hair day was catastrophic. Kissing at a school dance was scandalous. And getting a C on a test meant I would never get into college. Now, the veil of youth is lifted. I've experienced true loss, true sadness. I've learned about true atrocities - not just waking up late for school or tripping in front of a cute boy - but horrid things, secret bombings and campaigns, systematic manipulation, hidden agendas and elaborate cover-ups. Everyday, there is tragedy.

But then again, there is also sunshine. And ecstasy. And miracles.

And what I'm beginning to realize, more and more each day, is that I must become acquainted with both. I want to experience life, fully without restraint, and to do that is to confront the negativity along with embracing the positivity. Situated between the two, amongst the humanity and ambiguity that lies within the boundaries of right and wrong, I want to understand why people are compelled to lie but are brought to tears by honesty, why they cheat but beg for fairness, why they murder yet rejoice at birth, why they hate when in the end, all they want is to be truly loved.

That is where I want to be. And consequently, that is where I'm at right now. I just recently quit my job, I'm about to graduate college, I'm moving out of my apartment and back in with my mother, and I'm currently single. At 23, I'm living life in the in-between. But maybe that isn't such a bad thing. I've decided to dive in and see what I find. And on the way back up, I will think of all I saw, and look at the sun and moon and stars with a whole new wonder and majesty.